Getting the Right Result - How to avoid arguments over exam results
It's exam result week! Whether a young person has done well or not as great as they hoped, the arrival of results can cause conflict within families. Our latest blog shares some ideas on how to get past any arguments provoked by learning how young people did in their exams.
For families across Scotland, exam results day on Tuesday, 4 August, is an emotional rollercoaster. Finally, weeks of waiting are over. How might a young person feel when he or she receives that text or email? Relief, disappointment, surprise? Whatever the case may be, strong emotions can quickly turn into tension which itself can fuel irritability, perhaps outright anger – and then the falling out begins on what is already potentially a difficult day.
Exam results are about much more than grades. It can feel like the day that determines a young person's entire future. Older heads will know that is not necessarily the case – but not the young people going through it.
When emotions run high, even simple conversations can become arguments. If a young person appears angry, keep this in mind before reacting: anger is often what we call a secondary emotion, triggered by a primary emotion, which can be fear, sadness or anxiety. A young person may present as angry, but they are in fact at root feeling something else entirely. (Learn more about primary and secondary emotions here).
The good news is that there are ways to get through The Big Day without blowing up the family. If results aren’t what everyone was hoping for, there are ways to support one another and keep communication open.
Give emotions room to breathe
Whether a young person gets the results they hoped for or not, they may need time to process what they’re feeling. Excitement, disappointment, relief, frustration and even confusion are all normal reactions.
Parents and carers may be experiencing their own emotions too. They might feel worried about what comes next or anxious to help. Before jumping straight into discussions about The Future, it can help to pause and acknowledge that the day is a big moment for everyone.
Not every conversation needs to happen immediately. Some are better when left a day or two for news to settle in.
Listen before trying to fix things
When someone we care about is upset, our instinct is to offer solutions. But sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is listen.
Young people may want space to talk through their thoughts without being told what they should do next. Equally, parents and carers benefit from feeling heard rather than branded insensitive. Taking time to understand each other's perspective can prevent misunderstandings from escalating into conflict.
A simple ‘How you feeling about it?’ can open the door to a much more productive conversation than ‘What are you going to do now?’
Remember that one set of results does not define a person
Some people might believe exam results as a verdict on someone's ability or future. They’re not.
There are many different routes into further education, training and employment. Some young people will achieve exactly what they hoped for. Others may need to explore alternative options. Neither outcome determines a person's worth or potential. History is full of examples of people who failed schoolwork and went on to do something great (for example, Tom Cruise and Richard Branson both struggled at school).
Families can reduce pressure by focusing on the young person's strengths, efforts and wellbeing rather than treating grades as the sole indicator of future success.
Take a break
If tensions start to rise, it may help to step away from the conversation for a while.
Going for a walk, exercising, spending time with friends, enjoying a favourite hobby, watching a film, or simply sharing a meal together can reduce stress and create space for calmer discussions later. Distraction is not avoidance; sometimes it is exactly what people need to regain perspective.
Focus on the relationship first
Results day lasts a day. Family relationships last much longer.
Whatever the grades on the page, young people need to know they are supported and valued. Parents and carers need reassurance that they are not facing challenges alone. When families focus on staying connected rather than being right, difficult conversations become easier.
The future may look different from what was expected, but there are always options to explore. By approaching results day with patience, empathy and understanding, families can avoid unnecessary conflict and face the next steps together.
After all, the most important result is not what arrives in the envelope or in an email, but how we support one another afterwards.
Good luck!
