I-Statements

As well as listening to understand other’s needs and emotions, it’s also important that we can express our own needs and emotions clearly.

Before attempting to resolve a conflict, take time to think about what you need and what you are feeling. Try using the Feelings Wheel or the Emotion Iceberg to explore your feelings. Then think about what your needs are – are you willing to compromise?

Often when we are in conflict situations, we use blaming statements such as ‘you always’ or ‘you never’. These statements don’t leave space to explain how we are feeling and can often cause the other person to become defensive. If we use ‘I’ and ‘we’ instead, we can clearly express our needs and encourage others to do the same. These are called ‘I-Statements’ and are made up of two parts:

Parental Emotional Regulation

Emotional Regulation - The Basics

Emotional regulation is important because our emotions drive how we behave and feel. If we can soothe feelings of anger, we can learn to approach conflict with calm.

It’s especially important for parents because it directly affects their ability to respond to their children in a calm and supportive way.

Some things to think about:

• If parents and carers can regulate their emotions during arguments, they are in a good place to make decisions that will bring the conflict to a helpful conclusion, rather than letting emotion get the better of family members.
• If your child is angry, team up with them to help reduce their anger. This way, you’re separating the problem from the child.
• Later in the Learning Zone, you’ll find coping strategies for parents and carers to help them get through stressful family encounters. Look through the exercises and see what works best for you.
• By staying calm during conflict, you’re modelling this type of behaviour for your child. Even better, if you share with your child the coping strategies you use yourself, you’re showing them that they work while acting as a role model. Acting in this way is likely to teach your child how to remain calm themselves in similar situations.

Parenting and Communication

Active Listening

The key to resolving family conflict is communication.

We can’t resolve any conflict if we are not talking and listening to each other.

As a parent or carer, your role is to use the experience you’ve gathered in life to help guide your young person through life.

If teens feel that they aren’t being listened to at home, they might be less likely to confide in their family. However, if you actively listen to your young person, meaningfully taking in what they tell you and then work together to come up with solutions based on both of your needs, then you may reach a positive outcome in which both parties are satisfied.

To encourage a child or young person to talk about what’s going on for them, first, let them know that you’re listening to their concerns and that you’re taking them seriously. We call this validation.

Active listening is a set of techniques you can use to meaningfully listen. It is a highly useful conflict resolution tool that helps diffuse tension and helps resolve conflict.

Making Positive Requests

A parent or a carer asking a young person to do a chore around the house is a common, if avoidable, flashpoint.

The parent or carer might think chores teach Young People responsibility and independence – or he or she is busy and needs help completing tasks around the house.

The young person might think it’s boring, it’s not as important as what they’re doing now, and they’ll get to it later.

Both sides think they are right.

Parents and carers often become tetchy when their requests are ignored as they must ask again and again, making them feel like a nag – which no one enjoys.

We can, however, get in the habit of asking for things in a way that can make a young person tune out.

The answer is positive requests.

Positive requests give parents and carers a blueprint for asking for something in a polite yet assertive way, avoiding the sort of blaming language that can harm relationships. It helps us explain to Young People why we are asking them to do something, which should make it likelier that they will do what a parent or carer has asked them to do.

Here’s what to do.

For example, you could say

1. I would really appreciate it if you (did X).

2. I think I would feel more (add feeling).

To give an example:

‘I would really appreciate it if in the future, you could tell me where you are going and when you will be back. Instead of feeling jumpy and anxious, I think I would feel much calmer, knowing that you were safe.’

Other examples of Positive Requests include:

Editing Language

Frequent conflict with your children can have an impact on mood and make parents and carers feel a bit negative. They might end up focusing on the negatives and forgetting about the positives. The short piece of audio below suggests alternatives that should reduce conflict:

• focus on the positive
• edit out complaints
• edit self-criticism

Praising and Rewarding Good Behaviour

• Screentime can often be a source of conflict. How children use devices is often more important than how much time is spent with devices. Ask your children how they want to invest the time they have online and make sure it’s not wasted.
• Before attempting to resolve a conflict, take time to think about what you need and what you are feeling. The Emotion Iceberg, the Feelings Wheel and I-Statements can be useful helping us recognise and express emotions.
• Emotional regulation is important because our emotions drive how we behave and feel. If we can soothe feelings of anger, we can learn to approach conflict with calm. It’s especially important for parents because it directly affects their ability to respond to their children in a calm and supportive way.
• The key to resolving family conflict is communication. We can’t resolve any conflict if we are not talking and listening to each other. Use Active Listening to hear what your young person is telling you.
• When it comes to talking to your young person, making positive requests, editing language and giving praise are helpful.
• Families can resolve their conflicts but they have to do it together. Top-down orders from parents to young people will not be as effective or as long lasting as family contracts or regular family meetings where all sides air what’s on their mind.